Mexico

(12-13-08)
Things not going as planned: The trip an analogy to my last day in Chapel Hill. I didn't eat when I needed, but then I ate too late. I missed out on things I wanted to do. I missed certain pathways because I never started walking. Now that I have begun, it feels like I'm just wandering - the privileged wanderer (no better than the Frugal traveler), the yuppie seeking New Age medicine for his 'lost soul'. I can't seem to find what I want, do I need to wait a couple of days? But once again I will become that indecisive brat. In my indecisions I have harmed many, I have broken promises. I have broken trust, I continue to do this as long as I don't confront it. I confront and confront but answers never present themselves. I am utterly lost now. I need something new to wash away the old scars - to set me back on my feet. I'm afraid now that where Amy has been mostly light, she will now turn heavy. Understanding broken - I can't lean on her like that, or at least I feel like I can't. The path ahead will not be easy for me-- for if it is too easy I believe I will have disguised much of the problems. Get in a routine that numbs those parts of me. I don't want to, I want to fill it with light, My openness is at stake, I feel the orders for a wall to be put up, separating me from the world, leaving me only able to interact through its protective screen. I want to scream and shatter the glass explode it into a million pieces. But most of all I want to stop its (re)construction. -- It is already there, it has been for sometime. After first recognizing it, I began to think that awareness was enough. A mindfulness of it, that's all I needed. But it isn't so simple, this wall lives hidden inside my emotional core. Like a nasty tick. The mind is not enough, I must focus on my heart, but not just use the mind to think about things like love. To practice it. Step through and from the heart feeling its rhythmic beats.
At some point when I was a boy I started disliking cartoons that placed the heart - or say love in the chest. Some character would fall in love and then their heart begins pounding out of his chest. I began thinking it was silly - can´t love from your heart, it is in your head- this is stupid. I taught myself wrongly then, but never once did I voice to anyone this opinion. Had I done so, it might have been otherwise. Perhaps I would have been freer, would have developed around championing love, instead of fighting agains it. I never said it much, not to my parents, not to anyone. I became afraid of its power afraid of what it might mean. All my focus on love, I still don´t know it. I´ve seen glimpses of it - but how much better it would have been to never experience love, then to compare everything else in my life to those moments -- they don´t amount to much more than a handful.

Normally I´d try to go back here and say that it was worth it - vale la pena. But how can pain be worth it - that´s all I really see now from my futile quest, pain. I´m just lucky that I didn´t cause more of it. And I´m lucky that those who have been the closest to me - have been the strongest. Even though I brought them down I know they will bounce back. I hope to God they do, for I cannot live with that weight. Let my mistakes be my own. I do not want them to be left like a plague on their souls. My failures cannot make others lose hope. I pray for this. I now know what the beads around my neck are for. They are not for me, but rather they are to protect others from me. I should never take them off, nor forget their reminder. A thousand sorries isn´t enough. It may never be enough. I just hope it is enough for now. Until our next embrace.

Brian

Forever Reactive and Never Proactive

"VOTE!"

I see you. I see your all caps... And I see your exclamation point. Behind it all, though, there is mostly darkness. The word that you yell at me disguises what it actually symbolizes, fear. It is contagious and it is subversive, we may never even know it exists. Have we really gone in a new direction, will we really change anything? I think not, unless we become proactive and fight for what we believe in, not against something or somebody else. That type of fight, it is filled with love - not fear, or hate, or separation. Progress. A new bag for all of our worries, our fears, our hopes and dreams; because the old bag... it became too small.

I want to talk to you about voting, but not until the election is over. Not until we have felt what we felt and experienced so much, can we talk about what it means. What it means to each of us personally, experiencialy.

I want to listen to you.

My Archetypal Shadow

Spoiled Brat

I am a spoiled brat.
Where I live it's not tit-for-tat,
I just continue on, ratatat-tat.
I am a spoiled brat.

I have always had my own place
I don't even have to fight for this space.
Where I am now, it was all given
Never having to win an argument, I'm always forgiven.

From afar, "Look, It's okay"
but closer come! You'll see the decay!
If you ask me for something, don't expect it today.
And maybe never, because "I'm sorry, but I don't feel that way."
It's not a problem with me, but in how you say.

What does one become when there is no mold
to make a shape, nothing for me to grab a hold.
With no structures this egg is left out to go rotten.
The point of life, it's so easily forgotten.

I am a spoiled brat.
Look I've even got a funny hat!
But don't blame me, you're the one who bought the dog or cat.
So much to learn but so little desire,
Where are are my parents you might inquire.
That's the problem with love, that doesn't require.
Nothing from me. Unless... there's a fire!

On Praxis (Now)

I was watching a video for class last night and came to realize that Henry Giroux's statement "different contexts require different interventions" explains my way of interacting with people into perspective. (it also sounds kind of like Zapatismo's call for plural worlds--- the one in Chiapas and the one I am supposed to be creating here in my own community...) I think this assists me in understanding why i like talking and communicating to people so much. Each response can be completely different in form (existence), but always I am trying to speak directly from my self (essence). And when you can bring forth your essence to the world it is a tremendous experience. Love and true understanding can be realized here in the process of manifesting our essence into existence. If we always leave what is deeply felt inside then what is most important to us will never exist.

What motivates and interests me most is how things are being done, which includes how one is thinking about the things that s/he is doing. In the context of a group meeting I am more concerned with how people feel when together then what is being discussed or determined in the meeting. "Pushing through" a meeting in order to 'get things done,' can prevent the members gaining a potentially rewarding experience. Instead of an action being decided upon in the disembodied space of our heads, the decided motion should be contingent upon the collective feeling in that moment. An action based in feeling is much more likely to be characterized as "something that sustains us" then "something we have to do."

As a college student group interaction is only part of my life and is normally outside what gets classified as school work. It has been my struggle for the past 3-4years to create a space for personal meaning within the practice of learning. A potential point of self-expression is within my writing, but the question comes up "who is my audience?" Without an audience that can appreciate the substance of my writing, it becomes devoid of meaning---- meaning can only be found in cultural of context of 'learn and you will be able to get a job; which will allow you to function in soceity.' Professors are supposed to grade us on our content, but separately from whether or not the piece moved them. In this model a professor is not 'moved' to learn with his students---a crucial component of popular education. For the most part when I write, I start off really caring about what I have to say but then cannot quite finish the assignment. In the end I force myself to finish the assignment, but by this point I don't care what I wrote anymore. These constraints ultimately discourage and dis-empower me.

Before writing this I just starting thinking that a may be able to make my writing meaningful and coherent if I form it as a response. Within service-learning (I don't like this term) classes writing is based off of our experiences. Outside of this context, maybe I should respond to my 'experience' with a text and then add outside research to supplement it. Reading this back to myself now, I feel like it is a very obvious conclusion to come to, but why has it taken me so long to come to this point of epiphany?

A response involves a relationship: me to myself, me to you, me to culture, me to nature, me to a text. To change our relationship to the world, we must first interpret our relationship with it and second respond to it. This is a process combining theory and action - praxis.

Reflecting on Last Semester/ myself.

I just found got word that my Environmental Justice class got the 2008 Robert E. Bryan Public Service Award. This award affirms that their is interest in society in doing 'the right thing.' Sometimes I feel no one cares anymore. Hearing this has provoked me to reread my end of semester reflection on that class. I have spent a little time adding to it and now I'd like to post it here. Enjoy!

(it is about 4000 words.)

The recent building proposal for Greenbridge excited me when I read about it last semester. It is a high-density apartment housing project that will utilize green energy, including geo-thermal, solar and wind power. I thought this was very ideal and remembered back when I read the book Cradle-to-Cradle. Those ideas sounded so progressive. Then I heard the cost: the minimum priced apartment, $300,000. But this didn't really deter me, I understood that green technology is expensive and thought it would be worth it because of the boon for the environment. Reading further one of the project team members, Tim Tobin, stated he believes it is important to show that you can be environmentally conscious while still making a profit. It was not until later that I found out from a local resident the apartment complex would wipe out low-income housing units, thereby displacing a community of poor African Americans that had been living there for a very long time. When viewing Greenbridge from the mainstream environmentalist's perspective it seemed like a great advance, but as I have become more knowledgeable I feel that I was initially lied to.
The environmental justice movement is more than just knowing the simple fact that green power is good; instead, it attempts to bring in the knowledge of those living in the community so that they may find creative solutions to address an issue from the fundamental level. In this way EJ firmly challenges the way in which we view the world. Environmental justice differs from the mainstream environmental movement with its focus on the realties of particular places and groups of people and not on external ideals of environmentalism.
The major problem I see with mainstream environmentalism is that government agencies, NGO's and other groups generally push for policy changes that come from the top down. This type of work leads to 'across the board' approaches, like lowering global CO2 emissions or saving the rain forests. Those working within these organizations may be very well intentioned individuals, but their status at the top of a white male hierarchical class inherently inhibits them from viewing environmental problems holistically.**site me** I realize more and more now, how guilty I have been at following this stereotype.
It seems obvious that lowering CO2 emissions through carbon trading and the use of hybrid-cars helps cut down the impact humans have on global warming. Unfortunately, these small reforms do nothing to change the destructive ways in which industrial societies live in this world, and in fact reinforce it. [Add research from Patrick Bond at http://www.carbontradewatch.org/durban/] To me the worst part is that when many of us buy Priuses today, we on some level think that we are changing the world.
“The Prius might be the most perfect white product ever. It’s expensive, gives the idea that you are helping the environment, and requires no commitment/changes other than money” (http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com/2008/02/07/60-toyota-prius/).
Instead it is just an example of how the environmental movement has become commodified. Through commoditization the environmental movement has been inserted into the economic system, which still believes in infinite growth (in our world of finite resources). We need to move away from this 'industrialized utopia' way of thinking, and to do this it seems that those who are left out may be the best at viewing our world's problems (Freire).
I think of Environmental Justice as the voice for the oppressed class in our society. (I use Paulo Freire's notion of the oppressed here and throughout the paper. Oppression is part of an overall structure in which one group maintains the subjugation of another group or groups in the form of violence, marginalization, cultural imperialism, political dis empowerment, etc. Freire states that 'an act is oppressive only when it prevents people from being more fully human'). EJ at its most effective level should first come from the oppressed people themselves and secondly someone from outside working in solidarity can come in and help facilitate the oppressed's ability to regain their dignity. Given our elitist status as students in university we are for the most part 'those outside.'
When the Zapatista Army of National Liberation was founded, the mestizo members originally tried to talk about Marxism and Leninism to organize indigenous Mexicans in revolt. The response by the indigenous people was, 'shut up and listen' (Gloria Muñoz Ramirez, Campaign EZLN: The Fire and The Word)
We are not quite on the level involvement as the Zapatistas, but the power dynamics of insider vs. outsider are the same. Only once the 'elite' mestizos began to listen to the indigenous people, could a relationship of trust begin to form. Freire reaffirms that trust is paramount; “A real humanist can be identified more by his trust in the people, which engages him in their struggle, than by a thousand actions in their favor without that trust” (Freire). A person working in EJ should strive to be this 'real humanist.'
Listening to Gary Grant and Steve Wing opened my eyes at the extent to which issues of trust played a role between scientists and the research communities. It was from Gary Grant's own perspective and experience that he came out swinging and bashed the so-called 'public' university. Gary knows well that institutions like the University of North Carolina might not help him in the way he wanted (9/12/07). Gary Grant communicated a clear concern to Steve Wing when he was planning on researching hog waste for the Concerned Citizens of Tillery. Steve Wing echoed Gary by writing, “the environmental justice movement has been led primarily by people of color, women and people who live in communities that are adversely affected by environmental problems created by industry and government, the very institutions that are closest to science”(Wing). This closeness to science creates a fundamental bias to much of the research because those who supply the funding largely dictate what will be researched. Even when a lot of money is not involved, there is such a push within university academics to research and write papers, that what researchers do within a community might just be focused on fulfilling that researcher's personal needs rather than helping the community. Research and interviews are conducted, and then those peoples knowledge and understandings are immediately exported out of the community for use in a research paper. Scientists get direct credit for this by an improved standing within the scientific and university community, but any help this has on the researched community itself takes a secondary position.
At one point Steve's research was challenged and those above him demanded that he release names and information of citizens whom he had ensured confidentiality. He explained that it would have been a huge blow for him to this community's trust, so he fought hard against pressure to release that information even to the point of risking his own job (9/17/07). If Steve Wing hadn't taken a holistic approach to this he might have quickly backed down to the pressure. But he knew for the community's sake their was a question as to whether he would continue to perpetuate a paternalistic relationship of experts over poorer people (not in those words but functionally so). At its core EJ is trying to foster relationships not born out of a paternalistic hierarchy, as it was from this hierarchy that many of these problems have originated.
Many environmental justice groups are battling against companies or industries that do in fact bring jobs into poor areas. This occidental focus on jobs, leads to the conclusion by many that 'bad jobs are better than no jobs' (especially within the discourse on globalization). During Mac Legerton's lecture on sustainability he brought up an important distinction that we should make between jobs and livelihoods. In developing nations there is a large push to integrate the rural agrarian populations into more industrialized forms of labor in order to boost their economy. It is their view that this process will provide people with better jobs that compete on the global market and thereby lift their countries out of poverty. This is called 'progress,' but progress for whom? Instead human lives are being reshaped into commodities that can be bought and sold in the form of labor. They claim integration, but in practice it does not actually make society more whole. On the contrary it has become a process of assimilation that dehumanizes the population so that they will fit in designated slots.
A livelihood as defined by the World Book Dictionary edited by Robert K. Barnhart (1995) is 'a means of living; what is needed to support life.' From this definition Binayak Rajbhandari in his essay Sustainable Livelihood and Rural Development in South Asia writes that sustainable livelihood “is perceived as people or communities engaged in meeting individual and collective needs in an environmentally responsible way” (Rajbhandari). This conceptual difference allows for the individual or collective to become an agent for their own change. In this way the EJ movement stipulates that the oppressed group will no longer be left to wait for the government to respond to their voices. In Environmental Justice their voices are the change itself. This is the difference between a movement based in pro-active change and one based in a reflexive reform of current systems. ** I need to add something here***
During Carla Norwood's class discussion she explained some of the methods they used to bring the town together to talk about the issue of land use. In typical hearings with local representatives the individual citizen does not get much time to get their point across. They had what she called a 'deliberative democracy' which forced the people involved to think on their feet thereby allowing for a truer debate. Political debates are generally framed within a structure that just leads to people regurgitating what they have said in the past over and over again. Those debates really seem useless since no new ideas are brought up, and no one is forced to think critically. After attending these community based meetings, there was an overwhelming sense of empowerment of the town's citizens. They would no longer stand by as policy was made, they now felt the need to express themselves publicly.
The Frontline video “Global Dumping Ground” highlighted very clearly the problem of having one standard of environmentalism. From the US government's standpoint exporting toxics to be bought and 'taken care of' by a Taiwanese company was 'a good thing' (Frontline). Even when they found out that lead acid batteries being recycled in Taiwan were having detrimental effects on the people living nearby, the US government stated that if the Taiwanese government attempted to limit imports it would be a violation of free trade (Frontline). Those who make the laws get to decide what's right and wrong within that system of laws. Environmental Justice not only challenges the laws that were written and writes new laws, but also asks the question of 'what is justice.' From this question comes a multitude of answers. Set in particular places and cultures the environmental justice movement is an attempt to integrate (in its true definition) the world's people so that together we may become more fully human.
At first I was a little bit hesitant about signing up for the CCA group because of its heavy emphasis on research. I soon found out that research did not always mean spending long boring hours at Davis Library. When it came down to it, the research I performed for Mac and the Center for Community Action did not really feel much like work, so much as uncovering a story. The interviews we conducted allowed me to practice whatever communication skills I had thought I had. It turned out that I could be almost just as comfortable sitting down and interviewing people of Robeson county as I was with most anyone else. I started to get familiar with how to ask questions in ways that not only got a response but kept the interviewee comfortable at the same time. At certain points the interviews felt much more open and comfortable than many of the interactions that I typically had with people. It was like the presence of the microphone created this space around it that was separate from normal reality. (The danger is of course allowing the microphone take over, where it seems to force people to talk in front of it, kind of like in an interrogation). In this case it served as a catalyst to allow me to embrace what I was doing here and now and be more myself communicating from the heart. And I think when this happens the interviewee can really start to feel it and become comfortable telling his or her story. (It becomes as a co-performance) Sometimes her or she may find themselves telling confessing to the microphone things that he or she would never tell someone else. Now, in actuality it did not pan out nearly as well as that, but I felt like I got the sense of where I should be going for interviews in the future. In this way I believe I was learning on the edge of experience, the best way possible according to Mac.
Richard Regan started telling his disappointments and what were his hopes for CCA back at the time after they defeated GSX. He sincerely hoped that this would progress into a social movement of environmental progress in the area that would allow them to go after the local polluters. That empty spot inside him where he wanted to do more, eventually led to him leaving Lumberton to take a position with the USDA in Washington, D.C. This detail really was not a part of the story that Mac had in mind for us researching the GSX campaign, but it was one that has truly stuck in my mind since. I was thinking inside, “Wow, this is it, this is why I came here.” It was one of those moments where my mind finally stopped judging myself for a little while and instead I could feel 'this is exactly where I want to be, this is real.'
The community partnership allowed us to start to see outside of our narrow point of interaction with the world. When I drive back down to Wilmington to visit my hometown, I cross a section of highway that all of a sudden gives me a whiff of nasty hog waste. I did not have to live with that smell for any period of my life, but I realize now that people do and that 'it doesn't start smelling like roses if you smell it long enough.' Looking back I wonder what I was so caught up in that I did not question these things before. To put it plainly, I never had to consider it, and even now I still don't have to really think about it; I could probably live my whole life working in even a human rights job without understanding what it is to be poor or to be oppressed. The service aspect of this class has brought me uncomfortably close to reality, and it is at this point that I have to make a decision. Do I go on living my life in denial so that I may continue to do the things I want to do, or do I dive in and immerse myself in reality and discover who I really am? Other classes attempt to do this in a more theoretical sense, but if we always spend our time living in the clouds then we will always be looking at things from far away, where everything looks perfect. (not perfect in a good way, but perfect information where everything is clearly definable/measurable). We learn facts about that world that we can answer if given to us on a test, or even in conversation; but these facts never become a part of us. This class facilitated a pathway for us to live what we were learning. (again, this is co-performance) So now, if I forget what I learned this semester it is the same as me forgetting who I am.
I'd like to emphasize that this class was much more than just an APPLES course. The idea of service-learning in name is one thing, but you really cannot construct a learning experience such as this. I'd like to reiterate Brandon's comment that it was learning without feeling like you were learning. Sometimes I think that it is sad that so many people are convinced by society that the university is the 'only place to learn.' That would be a horrible premise in itself, because not everyone can attend university. So instead of providing education to the betterment of society, the university in effect divides it into the haves and have-nots. It has become hegemonic to those of us who graduate a university (the learned) to think down upon those who did not (the unlearned). Thinking of your class now, I feel like we were creating a counter-hegemony (in the Gramscian sense). To do that it took more than us just following the procedure for 'how to do an APPLES course,' to do that each of us had to completely engage in what we were doing and feel that what we were doing mattered.
Since our first class meeting I don't think I have changed so much as found out more of who I am. This class helped me further breakdown assumptions that I had been making about the world. By becoming free of more and more assumptions I am more able to make free choices and I am not hung up in following something because I think it may be true. These assumptions form the walls of hegemonic discourse and although I have not exited this discourse, I am able to see more and more of its walls. Once aware of their existence I can start to change them. I think one of the biggest realizations I made came out of Gary's visit. As a progressive minded individual I thought confidently that I was not racist, but Gary facilitated my discovery that I have in fact been racist my whole life. Since I live in a society based in white supremacy, I can never really not be racist at the fundamental level. From now knowing this I can begin to be anti-racist and fight against the symptoms of racism within society. **(it's not quite that simple)**
In this way this class constantly brought up questions to how things were done in our country, and then I would look in the mirror and start to ask these same questions of myself. This constant questioning has really only brought more questions with no clear answers. At first this could make the world seem hopeless, because we are searching for the solution or the answer that we can go with and help the world. But this brings up something very important, we as individuals should not be putting the whole burden of saving the world on our shoulders as this will only set us up to fail. Looking to do the right thing, may not bring us happiness. And I ask how can we change the world to something better if we ourselves are not happy? We must have a revolution with dancing, that combines what we want and like to do now with complete awareness of how this affects this particular place and the world as a whole. From this we will live with hope and love in our hearts and start coming up with creative solutions of how to change the world in this particular place in time.
So how does this class relate to all of this? I guess in the past I kind of thought it was impossible to do any of this while in the university setting (I still partly do). In bringing the reality into the dream world of the university, I guess I'm beginning to think anything is possible. I may have not had as great a time this semester as in spring, but as I think about it now I'm distinctly more comfortable. I don't feel that strong urge to run away and go abroad in order to 'truly' experience life. Before I equated my time now to purgatory and that I am just spending my time passively until I really find something I want to do in life. In addition to changing that feeling for me at University it also made me realize what amazing things are being done here in North Carolina that challenge or could potentially challenge hegemony. Mac embodied this the most for me and he not only does it when you look at 'what' he does, but also 'how' he does it. This brings me to the topic of love.
I don't think I've felt as much love in this class as I have for any other. I mean I know I haven't. I could feel this everywhere, from the guest speakers, from all the students, and from you. So if anyone asks you how you put on such a great class, respond with... love, pure unselfish love.
Maybe this was able to happen since there were so many women in this class; I definitely feel that women are stronger and more ferocious supporters of social change. I guess that's why I tried to become a woman for a day, I was trying to get that extra insight that I was missing as a male. But to clear that up, your class has not made me do something as drastic as change to a woman (not yet).
Logistically speaking, I completely gave up any notions I had of being an environmental studies major. I was leaning towards changing but taking your class allowed me to see how myopic ENST classes were in comparison. So I thank you, for helping me to shuffle up my life a bit more... like I needed that.
On another note I made a discovery, I think mostly because of your class. One day while taking a shower I realized that what I needed and what I wanted were one in the same. This is different than the wanting that you feel when society tells you this job, these shoes, or that girl will bring you happiness. (Ze Frank* Help me find this episode!) This is about following that feeling you have inside, and knowing that it is part of you and when you follow it you are more yourself and when you are more yourself you are generally more happy or content. The work I was doing for your class, I did not 'need' to do any of it I could have left school and done something else at any time. Instead I wanted to do it I felt something inside for what I was saying or writing or reading, these were things I wanted to say. Knowing this I knew these things were things I needed to do, because if I did not do them I would feel like I was not fully embracing the feeling I had inside.
I think your class helped me feel like I have a home in the U.S.A. again or more so than I have ever felt before. I realized that the magic that exists outside the country exists here too, you just have to look a lot harder. Its hard to say during this stressful period of time right now, but 'I love who I have become.' Thank you.





Reference Material

Wing, Steve. “Environmental Justice, Science, and Public Health”
Essays on the Future of Environmental Health Research
Rajbhandari, Binayak. Sustainable Livelihood and Rural Development in South Asia: Issues, Concerns, and General Implications. Globalising Rural Development. New Delhi: 2006
Global Dumping Ground: Frontline Special. Producer: Lowell Bergman. Oct. 02, 1990
Freire, Paulo. “Pedagogy of the Oppressed” Chapter 1. 1993
.

Wake.

Where am I now?

I guess it's been a long time since... I have reflected, at least on paper. And so I'm writing right now to affirm that 'I really like where I'm at'. I haven't quite been here before, and that's part of the beauty. Constant growth, constant surprises of new life experiences. It is beginning to flood me now, and If I didn't have hope before, then I really have it now. So what I see is an opportunity for brilliance, what held me back before has now given away. I can move to the next level, maybe. No I really think I can. What does this look like, in fact what the hell am I even talking about? Well I guess before I named it Spiritually Integrated Political Action (borrowing off of Paul Levy). Aha. You see I gave a presentation on it, but I couldn't really go anywhere yet with it. "So, what do we do?" was the question; and yes it is a very important question. It makes your dreams a reality. What do I do with this huge feeling in my gut, where do I go? Where do I take it, how can it manifest? That presentation was only to mention its existence, rather to acknowledge its existence. But really it is difficult because I was talking about a feeling; but in conversation (especially academic ones) it only digitizes (textualizes *thanks Della*) what I'm saying. But the problem is how that then substitutes (takes the place of that feeling). Think about how technology ie SMS, Facebook, e-mail takes the place of face to face interaction. It could enhance our ability to connect with one another, but that is just rhetoric, an assumption rather. I want integration not assimilation. My dreams cannot get erased in my words, because then the 2 will never meet. So what can I tell you now that wasn't there before.
[I can talk about William Biddle's concept of the Encourager and his/her role in community development, it is based on actual people. It seems they existed, why we've gotten away from that or where they've gone, or whether or not anybody still uses these methods eludes me now.] But I'd say that I've been searching for something without knowing what it is and NOW I've found it! (and it feels 'so good') Even if I decide later it was wrong, it is too problematic. It won't be without purpose, and I can only hope to grow from it.

This is where I am now, full of life, full of hope. Ready to begin to prepare.

Life Happens

The warrior has fallen, fallen into the path of disbelief. I must rely on things outside me for comfort, because what is inside is dead. I'm running away now from everything I stood for, my words have fallen silent. Who would want to listen to a hypocrite. I can't see anymore good coming from me, my insides are eating away, and soon nothing will be left except the devil inside. And this devil only knows destructions I started hitting myself again. I don't know how long its been, but doing it that hard has been about a year, one year for the cycle to start over, one year of running to finally end up at the beginning again. Fucked! All this talk of change and no change. The world doesn't want change, it can just sit there and fuck itself to death. For me, I ran into a wall of concrete, see I thought it was all grays and there would be a way to sit through it all. But everywhere I looked soon hardened, And the last opening . . . Welll I was running full speed grabbing at this final hope until bam! . . . style="font-style:italic;">daydream delusion I awoke from this dream that I'd been dreaming that I had been in a dream and everyone else was too and that if I could show other people the way too. But there is no way out of this shit. I am bound to keep climbing an ever steeper hill with an ever steeper load. heh, If I were really dreaming then the hill would get smaller or I could just fly up there no problem. So why even write anything you ask, because really what I'm doing is breathing my last breath of air before I hit the bottom. You see falling is not death itself, it leads to death but as long as you aren't there yet then you are never dead yet. So what have I done? Tricked myself into falling in a hole so that I might come to see death, and right at that final instant avert it? But how will I re-climb all the ground that I had lost in the meantime, a straight vertical drop. But I'm not really here or there and if time and place don't exist without some point of reference. Then I am as much here as I am any place else. I have lost my frame of reference you see, and so I am afraid that I ended up where I started. But the truth is I never really went anywhere, I was always here. And what I saw as progress was a lie cast infront of me. A false mountain was built under me, so that the inevitability of my not succeeding would drop me straight to death. But that's just another one of the lies the devil casts in front of us. As long as I'm here, then I'm not dead, and since here is no more than an inch from death and an inch from enlightenment. The devil needed an extra pull to break me down, he needed to create the illusion that death is so far away so that he would trap us into it. As I realize now that death is always close by then it cannot scare me, "To never think of dying is to never think of living." So where do I go now? The train whistle blows and I wonder where its going to, will I ever know, will I ever get on? So given this anecdote, am I really depressed? Shouldn't I infact be happier to be out of the dream. I know it felt amazing dreaming but you can't start dreaming from within another dream. You must come back to reality, realize you are still here close to death. And when you start to dream this time, reality will change with it. See all was not lost before, dreams can be used to assist you, because without them you wouldn't have arrived here. And what is here? It is the doorstep to yourself. You two could meet but not in the land of pen & paper or books or movies or conversations, the self is in the unconcious and that is entered through the gaps of mind. So as long as you, Brian continues writing then you will not meet yourself, but don't stop writing too soon either, because really it is responsible for bringing you this far, you must feel yourself drift away from your pen not pull the pen away from yourself drift back into that flow of mind you've felt it before, if only just briefly. If only just . . .