Reflecting on Last Semester/ myself.

I just found got word that my Environmental Justice class got the 2008 Robert E. Bryan Public Service Award. This award affirms that their is interest in society in doing 'the right thing.' Sometimes I feel no one cares anymore. Hearing this has provoked me to reread my end of semester reflection on that class. I have spent a little time adding to it and now I'd like to post it here. Enjoy!

(it is about 4000 words.)

The recent building proposal for Greenbridge excited me when I read about it last semester. It is a high-density apartment housing project that will utilize green energy, including geo-thermal, solar and wind power. I thought this was very ideal and remembered back when I read the book Cradle-to-Cradle. Those ideas sounded so progressive. Then I heard the cost: the minimum priced apartment, $300,000. But this didn't really deter me, I understood that green technology is expensive and thought it would be worth it because of the boon for the environment. Reading further one of the project team members, Tim Tobin, stated he believes it is important to show that you can be environmentally conscious while still making a profit. It was not until later that I found out from a local resident the apartment complex would wipe out low-income housing units, thereby displacing a community of poor African Americans that had been living there for a very long time. When viewing Greenbridge from the mainstream environmentalist's perspective it seemed like a great advance, but as I have become more knowledgeable I feel that I was initially lied to.
The environmental justice movement is more than just knowing the simple fact that green power is good; instead, it attempts to bring in the knowledge of those living in the community so that they may find creative solutions to address an issue from the fundamental level. In this way EJ firmly challenges the way in which we view the world. Environmental justice differs from the mainstream environmental movement with its focus on the realties of particular places and groups of people and not on external ideals of environmentalism.
The major problem I see with mainstream environmentalism is that government agencies, NGO's and other groups generally push for policy changes that come from the top down. This type of work leads to 'across the board' approaches, like lowering global CO2 emissions or saving the rain forests. Those working within these organizations may be very well intentioned individuals, but their status at the top of a white male hierarchical class inherently inhibits them from viewing environmental problems holistically.**site me** I realize more and more now, how guilty I have been at following this stereotype.
It seems obvious that lowering CO2 emissions through carbon trading and the use of hybrid-cars helps cut down the impact humans have on global warming. Unfortunately, these small reforms do nothing to change the destructive ways in which industrial societies live in this world, and in fact reinforce it. [Add research from Patrick Bond at http://www.carbontradewatch.org/durban/] To me the worst part is that when many of us buy Priuses today, we on some level think that we are changing the world.
“The Prius might be the most perfect white product ever. It’s expensive, gives the idea that you are helping the environment, and requires no commitment/changes other than money” (http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com/2008/02/07/60-toyota-prius/).
Instead it is just an example of how the environmental movement has become commodified. Through commoditization the environmental movement has been inserted into the economic system, which still believes in infinite growth (in our world of finite resources). We need to move away from this 'industrialized utopia' way of thinking, and to do this it seems that those who are left out may be the best at viewing our world's problems (Freire).
I think of Environmental Justice as the voice for the oppressed class in our society. (I use Paulo Freire's notion of the oppressed here and throughout the paper. Oppression is part of an overall structure in which one group maintains the subjugation of another group or groups in the form of violence, marginalization, cultural imperialism, political dis empowerment, etc. Freire states that 'an act is oppressive only when it prevents people from being more fully human'). EJ at its most effective level should first come from the oppressed people themselves and secondly someone from outside working in solidarity can come in and help facilitate the oppressed's ability to regain their dignity. Given our elitist status as students in university we are for the most part 'those outside.'
When the Zapatista Army of National Liberation was founded, the mestizo members originally tried to talk about Marxism and Leninism to organize indigenous Mexicans in revolt. The response by the indigenous people was, 'shut up and listen' (Gloria Muñoz Ramirez, Campaign EZLN: The Fire and The Word)
We are not quite on the level involvement as the Zapatistas, but the power dynamics of insider vs. outsider are the same. Only once the 'elite' mestizos began to listen to the indigenous people, could a relationship of trust begin to form. Freire reaffirms that trust is paramount; “A real humanist can be identified more by his trust in the people, which engages him in their struggle, than by a thousand actions in their favor without that trust” (Freire). A person working in EJ should strive to be this 'real humanist.'
Listening to Gary Grant and Steve Wing opened my eyes at the extent to which issues of trust played a role between scientists and the research communities. It was from Gary Grant's own perspective and experience that he came out swinging and bashed the so-called 'public' university. Gary knows well that institutions like the University of North Carolina might not help him in the way he wanted (9/12/07). Gary Grant communicated a clear concern to Steve Wing when he was planning on researching hog waste for the Concerned Citizens of Tillery. Steve Wing echoed Gary by writing, “the environmental justice movement has been led primarily by people of color, women and people who live in communities that are adversely affected by environmental problems created by industry and government, the very institutions that are closest to science”(Wing). This closeness to science creates a fundamental bias to much of the research because those who supply the funding largely dictate what will be researched. Even when a lot of money is not involved, there is such a push within university academics to research and write papers, that what researchers do within a community might just be focused on fulfilling that researcher's personal needs rather than helping the community. Research and interviews are conducted, and then those peoples knowledge and understandings are immediately exported out of the community for use in a research paper. Scientists get direct credit for this by an improved standing within the scientific and university community, but any help this has on the researched community itself takes a secondary position.
At one point Steve's research was challenged and those above him demanded that he release names and information of citizens whom he had ensured confidentiality. He explained that it would have been a huge blow for him to this community's trust, so he fought hard against pressure to release that information even to the point of risking his own job (9/17/07). If Steve Wing hadn't taken a holistic approach to this he might have quickly backed down to the pressure. But he knew for the community's sake their was a question as to whether he would continue to perpetuate a paternalistic relationship of experts over poorer people (not in those words but functionally so). At its core EJ is trying to foster relationships not born out of a paternalistic hierarchy, as it was from this hierarchy that many of these problems have originated.
Many environmental justice groups are battling against companies or industries that do in fact bring jobs into poor areas. This occidental focus on jobs, leads to the conclusion by many that 'bad jobs are better than no jobs' (especially within the discourse on globalization). During Mac Legerton's lecture on sustainability he brought up an important distinction that we should make between jobs and livelihoods. In developing nations there is a large push to integrate the rural agrarian populations into more industrialized forms of labor in order to boost their economy. It is their view that this process will provide people with better jobs that compete on the global market and thereby lift their countries out of poverty. This is called 'progress,' but progress for whom? Instead human lives are being reshaped into commodities that can be bought and sold in the form of labor. They claim integration, but in practice it does not actually make society more whole. On the contrary it has become a process of assimilation that dehumanizes the population so that they will fit in designated slots.
A livelihood as defined by the World Book Dictionary edited by Robert K. Barnhart (1995) is 'a means of living; what is needed to support life.' From this definition Binayak Rajbhandari in his essay Sustainable Livelihood and Rural Development in South Asia writes that sustainable livelihood “is perceived as people or communities engaged in meeting individual and collective needs in an environmentally responsible way” (Rajbhandari). This conceptual difference allows for the individual or collective to become an agent for their own change. In this way the EJ movement stipulates that the oppressed group will no longer be left to wait for the government to respond to their voices. In Environmental Justice their voices are the change itself. This is the difference between a movement based in pro-active change and one based in a reflexive reform of current systems. ** I need to add something here***
During Carla Norwood's class discussion she explained some of the methods they used to bring the town together to talk about the issue of land use. In typical hearings with local representatives the individual citizen does not get much time to get their point across. They had what she called a 'deliberative democracy' which forced the people involved to think on their feet thereby allowing for a truer debate. Political debates are generally framed within a structure that just leads to people regurgitating what they have said in the past over and over again. Those debates really seem useless since no new ideas are brought up, and no one is forced to think critically. After attending these community based meetings, there was an overwhelming sense of empowerment of the town's citizens. They would no longer stand by as policy was made, they now felt the need to express themselves publicly.
The Frontline video “Global Dumping Ground” highlighted very clearly the problem of having one standard of environmentalism. From the US government's standpoint exporting toxics to be bought and 'taken care of' by a Taiwanese company was 'a good thing' (Frontline). Even when they found out that lead acid batteries being recycled in Taiwan were having detrimental effects on the people living nearby, the US government stated that if the Taiwanese government attempted to limit imports it would be a violation of free trade (Frontline). Those who make the laws get to decide what's right and wrong within that system of laws. Environmental Justice not only challenges the laws that were written and writes new laws, but also asks the question of 'what is justice.' From this question comes a multitude of answers. Set in particular places and cultures the environmental justice movement is an attempt to integrate (in its true definition) the world's people so that together we may become more fully human.
At first I was a little bit hesitant about signing up for the CCA group because of its heavy emphasis on research. I soon found out that research did not always mean spending long boring hours at Davis Library. When it came down to it, the research I performed for Mac and the Center for Community Action did not really feel much like work, so much as uncovering a story. The interviews we conducted allowed me to practice whatever communication skills I had thought I had. It turned out that I could be almost just as comfortable sitting down and interviewing people of Robeson county as I was with most anyone else. I started to get familiar with how to ask questions in ways that not only got a response but kept the interviewee comfortable at the same time. At certain points the interviews felt much more open and comfortable than many of the interactions that I typically had with people. It was like the presence of the microphone created this space around it that was separate from normal reality. (The danger is of course allowing the microphone take over, where it seems to force people to talk in front of it, kind of like in an interrogation). In this case it served as a catalyst to allow me to embrace what I was doing here and now and be more myself communicating from the heart. And I think when this happens the interviewee can really start to feel it and become comfortable telling his or her story. (It becomes as a co-performance) Sometimes her or she may find themselves telling confessing to the microphone things that he or she would never tell someone else. Now, in actuality it did not pan out nearly as well as that, but I felt like I got the sense of where I should be going for interviews in the future. In this way I believe I was learning on the edge of experience, the best way possible according to Mac.
Richard Regan started telling his disappointments and what were his hopes for CCA back at the time after they defeated GSX. He sincerely hoped that this would progress into a social movement of environmental progress in the area that would allow them to go after the local polluters. That empty spot inside him where he wanted to do more, eventually led to him leaving Lumberton to take a position with the USDA in Washington, D.C. This detail really was not a part of the story that Mac had in mind for us researching the GSX campaign, but it was one that has truly stuck in my mind since. I was thinking inside, “Wow, this is it, this is why I came here.” It was one of those moments where my mind finally stopped judging myself for a little while and instead I could feel 'this is exactly where I want to be, this is real.'
The community partnership allowed us to start to see outside of our narrow point of interaction with the world. When I drive back down to Wilmington to visit my hometown, I cross a section of highway that all of a sudden gives me a whiff of nasty hog waste. I did not have to live with that smell for any period of my life, but I realize now that people do and that 'it doesn't start smelling like roses if you smell it long enough.' Looking back I wonder what I was so caught up in that I did not question these things before. To put it plainly, I never had to consider it, and even now I still don't have to really think about it; I could probably live my whole life working in even a human rights job without understanding what it is to be poor or to be oppressed. The service aspect of this class has brought me uncomfortably close to reality, and it is at this point that I have to make a decision. Do I go on living my life in denial so that I may continue to do the things I want to do, or do I dive in and immerse myself in reality and discover who I really am? Other classes attempt to do this in a more theoretical sense, but if we always spend our time living in the clouds then we will always be looking at things from far away, where everything looks perfect. (not perfect in a good way, but perfect information where everything is clearly definable/measurable). We learn facts about that world that we can answer if given to us on a test, or even in conversation; but these facts never become a part of us. This class facilitated a pathway for us to live what we were learning. (again, this is co-performance) So now, if I forget what I learned this semester it is the same as me forgetting who I am.
I'd like to emphasize that this class was much more than just an APPLES course. The idea of service-learning in name is one thing, but you really cannot construct a learning experience such as this. I'd like to reiterate Brandon's comment that it was learning without feeling like you were learning. Sometimes I think that it is sad that so many people are convinced by society that the university is the 'only place to learn.' That would be a horrible premise in itself, because not everyone can attend university. So instead of providing education to the betterment of society, the university in effect divides it into the haves and have-nots. It has become hegemonic to those of us who graduate a university (the learned) to think down upon those who did not (the unlearned). Thinking of your class now, I feel like we were creating a counter-hegemony (in the Gramscian sense). To do that it took more than us just following the procedure for 'how to do an APPLES course,' to do that each of us had to completely engage in what we were doing and feel that what we were doing mattered.
Since our first class meeting I don't think I have changed so much as found out more of who I am. This class helped me further breakdown assumptions that I had been making about the world. By becoming free of more and more assumptions I am more able to make free choices and I am not hung up in following something because I think it may be true. These assumptions form the walls of hegemonic discourse and although I have not exited this discourse, I am able to see more and more of its walls. Once aware of their existence I can start to change them. I think one of the biggest realizations I made came out of Gary's visit. As a progressive minded individual I thought confidently that I was not racist, but Gary facilitated my discovery that I have in fact been racist my whole life. Since I live in a society based in white supremacy, I can never really not be racist at the fundamental level. From now knowing this I can begin to be anti-racist and fight against the symptoms of racism within society. **(it's not quite that simple)**
In this way this class constantly brought up questions to how things were done in our country, and then I would look in the mirror and start to ask these same questions of myself. This constant questioning has really only brought more questions with no clear answers. At first this could make the world seem hopeless, because we are searching for the solution or the answer that we can go with and help the world. But this brings up something very important, we as individuals should not be putting the whole burden of saving the world on our shoulders as this will only set us up to fail. Looking to do the right thing, may not bring us happiness. And I ask how can we change the world to something better if we ourselves are not happy? We must have a revolution with dancing, that combines what we want and like to do now with complete awareness of how this affects this particular place and the world as a whole. From this we will live with hope and love in our hearts and start coming up with creative solutions of how to change the world in this particular place in time.
So how does this class relate to all of this? I guess in the past I kind of thought it was impossible to do any of this while in the university setting (I still partly do). In bringing the reality into the dream world of the university, I guess I'm beginning to think anything is possible. I may have not had as great a time this semester as in spring, but as I think about it now I'm distinctly more comfortable. I don't feel that strong urge to run away and go abroad in order to 'truly' experience life. Before I equated my time now to purgatory and that I am just spending my time passively until I really find something I want to do in life. In addition to changing that feeling for me at University it also made me realize what amazing things are being done here in North Carolina that challenge or could potentially challenge hegemony. Mac embodied this the most for me and he not only does it when you look at 'what' he does, but also 'how' he does it. This brings me to the topic of love.
I don't think I've felt as much love in this class as I have for any other. I mean I know I haven't. I could feel this everywhere, from the guest speakers, from all the students, and from you. So if anyone asks you how you put on such a great class, respond with... love, pure unselfish love.
Maybe this was able to happen since there were so many women in this class; I definitely feel that women are stronger and more ferocious supporters of social change. I guess that's why I tried to become a woman for a day, I was trying to get that extra insight that I was missing as a male. But to clear that up, your class has not made me do something as drastic as change to a woman (not yet).
Logistically speaking, I completely gave up any notions I had of being an environmental studies major. I was leaning towards changing but taking your class allowed me to see how myopic ENST classes were in comparison. So I thank you, for helping me to shuffle up my life a bit more... like I needed that.
On another note I made a discovery, I think mostly because of your class. One day while taking a shower I realized that what I needed and what I wanted were one in the same. This is different than the wanting that you feel when society tells you this job, these shoes, or that girl will bring you happiness. (Ze Frank* Help me find this episode!) This is about following that feeling you have inside, and knowing that it is part of you and when you follow it you are more yourself and when you are more yourself you are generally more happy or content. The work I was doing for your class, I did not 'need' to do any of it I could have left school and done something else at any time. Instead I wanted to do it I felt something inside for what I was saying or writing or reading, these were things I wanted to say. Knowing this I knew these things were things I needed to do, because if I did not do them I would feel like I was not fully embracing the feeling I had inside.
I think your class helped me feel like I have a home in the U.S.A. again or more so than I have ever felt before. I realized that the magic that exists outside the country exists here too, you just have to look a lot harder. Its hard to say during this stressful period of time right now, but 'I love who I have become.' Thank you.





Reference Material

Wing, Steve. “Environmental Justice, Science, and Public Health”
Essays on the Future of Environmental Health Research
Rajbhandari, Binayak. Sustainable Livelihood and Rural Development in South Asia: Issues, Concerns, and General Implications. Globalising Rural Development. New Delhi: 2006
Global Dumping Ground: Frontline Special. Producer: Lowell Bergman. Oct. 02, 1990
Freire, Paulo. “Pedagogy of the Oppressed” Chapter 1. 1993
.

Wake.

Where am I now?

I guess it's been a long time since... I have reflected, at least on paper. And so I'm writing right now to affirm that 'I really like where I'm at'. I haven't quite been here before, and that's part of the beauty. Constant growth, constant surprises of new life experiences. It is beginning to flood me now, and If I didn't have hope before, then I really have it now. So what I see is an opportunity for brilliance, what held me back before has now given away. I can move to the next level, maybe. No I really think I can. What does this look like, in fact what the hell am I even talking about? Well I guess before I named it Spiritually Integrated Political Action (borrowing off of Paul Levy). Aha. You see I gave a presentation on it, but I couldn't really go anywhere yet with it. "So, what do we do?" was the question; and yes it is a very important question. It makes your dreams a reality. What do I do with this huge feeling in my gut, where do I go? Where do I take it, how can it manifest? That presentation was only to mention its existence, rather to acknowledge its existence. But really it is difficult because I was talking about a feeling; but in conversation (especially academic ones) it only digitizes (textualizes *thanks Della*) what I'm saying. But the problem is how that then substitutes (takes the place of that feeling). Think about how technology ie SMS, Facebook, e-mail takes the place of face to face interaction. It could enhance our ability to connect with one another, but that is just rhetoric, an assumption rather. I want integration not assimilation. My dreams cannot get erased in my words, because then the 2 will never meet. So what can I tell you now that wasn't there before.
[I can talk about William Biddle's concept of the Encourager and his/her role in community development, it is based on actual people. It seems they existed, why we've gotten away from that or where they've gone, or whether or not anybody still uses these methods eludes me now.] But I'd say that I've been searching for something without knowing what it is and NOW I've found it! (and it feels 'so good') Even if I decide later it was wrong, it is too problematic. It won't be without purpose, and I can only hope to grow from it.

This is where I am now, full of life, full of hope. Ready to begin to prepare.

Life Happens

The warrior has fallen, fallen into the path of disbelief. I must rely on things outside me for comfort, because what is inside is dead. I'm running away now from everything I stood for, my words have fallen silent. Who would want to listen to a hypocrite. I can't see anymore good coming from me, my insides are eating away, and soon nothing will be left except the devil inside. And this devil only knows destructions I started hitting myself again. I don't know how long its been, but doing it that hard has been about a year, one year for the cycle to start over, one year of running to finally end up at the beginning again. Fucked! All this talk of change and no change. The world doesn't want change, it can just sit there and fuck itself to death. For me, I ran into a wall of concrete, see I thought it was all grays and there would be a way to sit through it all. But everywhere I looked soon hardened, And the last opening . . . Welll I was running full speed grabbing at this final hope until bam! . . . style="font-style:italic;">daydream delusion I awoke from this dream that I'd been dreaming that I had been in a dream and everyone else was too and that if I could show other people the way too. But there is no way out of this shit. I am bound to keep climbing an ever steeper hill with an ever steeper load. heh, If I were really dreaming then the hill would get smaller or I could just fly up there no problem. So why even write anything you ask, because really what I'm doing is breathing my last breath of air before I hit the bottom. You see falling is not death itself, it leads to death but as long as you aren't there yet then you are never dead yet. So what have I done? Tricked myself into falling in a hole so that I might come to see death, and right at that final instant avert it? But how will I re-climb all the ground that I had lost in the meantime, a straight vertical drop. But I'm not really here or there and if time and place don't exist without some point of reference. Then I am as much here as I am any place else. I have lost my frame of reference you see, and so I am afraid that I ended up where I started. But the truth is I never really went anywhere, I was always here. And what I saw as progress was a lie cast infront of me. A false mountain was built under me, so that the inevitability of my not succeeding would drop me straight to death. But that's just another one of the lies the devil casts in front of us. As long as I'm here, then I'm not dead, and since here is no more than an inch from death and an inch from enlightenment. The devil needed an extra pull to break me down, he needed to create the illusion that death is so far away so that he would trap us into it. As I realize now that death is always close by then it cannot scare me, "To never think of dying is to never think of living." So where do I go now? The train whistle blows and I wonder where its going to, will I ever know, will I ever get on? So given this anecdote, am I really depressed? Shouldn't I infact be happier to be out of the dream. I know it felt amazing dreaming but you can't start dreaming from within another dream. You must come back to reality, realize you are still here close to death. And when you start to dream this time, reality will change with it. See all was not lost before, dreams can be used to assist you, because without them you wouldn't have arrived here. And what is here? It is the doorstep to yourself. You two could meet but not in the land of pen & paper or books or movies or conversations, the self is in the unconcious and that is entered through the gaps of mind. So as long as you, Brian continues writing then you will not meet yourself, but don't stop writing too soon either, because really it is responsible for bringing you this far, you must feel yourself drift away from your pen not pull the pen away from yourself drift back into that flow of mind you've felt it before, if only just briefly. If only just . . .

philosophy class

I can learn to draw;
to paint, to film,
To take pictures.
I can read
outside of this institution,
I can learn [carpentry]
outside this institution.
But what would I
do... It seems like I would do
nothing. I would just
be, I guess I would...

So what's the difference between my
being here, than being
anywhere else? I am still
being aren't I.

(I am in a doublebind aren't I? If I stay then I am submitting to this reality, but if I leave then I am saying to escape this reality I must leave. Leaving and staying are both actions within this reality, if I leave to leave this reality then I am only further asserting its existence. So either decision is a decision within the discourse of reality and therefore I will be trapped in both cases.)

Sitting in this chair...
why am I not walking around or
flying about or in outerspace? But
actually I am nowhere, yet
at the same time everywhere
all at once.

I am nothing, and
I am everything.
I am you, and
you are me.


Somos iguales porque somos differentes.

Rip Currents

One week since I have returned. One week and I have done nothing. Nothing... except let the familiar currents of this country take control.

Rip Currents... I know how to get out of them, but what is it that has stopped me from using that knowledge? The best of us fight against it, and swim towards that visible shore line. Fighting it and fighting it... telling ourselves "I can make it, I can make it to that point... and once I get there, things will be different, things will be better. "I can make this current run in a different direction. It does not have to lead to this violent distructive whirlpool." Maybe it doesn't have to but that is the nature of this current. That is the nature of its power, that's just 'what it does.' Eventually it will consume all of your energy, you will get exhausted and then you will drown. Then there are those that never notice its presence, they just keep drifting out to sea. That way might be easier atleast it is in the beginning, not knowing, not fearing, just drifing along letting the current guide you. But when that person does finally realize where s/he's been taken, s/he is miles away from shore and s/he can't swim. Now his or her life is over. Regardless of whether s/he lives or dies s/he is at the whim of the current.

As I said, I know the answer, but knowing and doing are two different things. Sometimes I panic, I whell up with fear and swim as hard as I can towards the shore. I don't trust what is inside, that strong feeling rising from below and to the left in my gut. Instead I look at everyone else I trust that they must know where there going and we yell at the others on their black intertubes as they drift by and further out to see. "HEY, DON'T GO THAT WAY! IT'S IS VIOLENT AND DESTRUCTIVE AND HORRIBLE. COME THIS WAY WITH US, TOGETHER WE CAN FIGHT IT!" In response the tuber says, "Dang! Look at me, I'm sporting 22inch rims!" Almost out of reflex the words,"Damn, that's hot!" came to my lips; but I only opened my mouth and stared blankly. Out of the corner of my eyes I caught a glimpse of something strange; it was out along the left side of our group (the ones swimming towards shore) and it wasn't a tuber. I started angling my way that way, and as I got closer just as I could start to make out what it was; it vanished. "Damn!" and with that I stopped swimming and began treading water for a little while. I'd been swimming for some time now, and hadn't really given much time to thought. And from my gut came that strong feeling again, but this time I understood it. 'The way out of a rip current is first to forget the golden sands and then swim parallel to the shore.' That is.. perpendicular to the current. Informing the others of my discovery, they were quite resistant and thought I was crazy. So off I went on my own, swimming at a good pace; and soon with every stroke I began to feel the fear and anxiety that covered me for so long, drift away as I was finally released from that horrible current. But I did not turn to swim towards the shore,... I was done with that beach.

It's time for something else, it's time for something completely different...

-- Brian

And now I have connected my past with my future, all that is left is to fill in the present.

Where's my sushi?

7/9/07

Even now I’m running avoiding what it is I have to do, but more importantly it is something I want to do. And when you start to hold yourself back from your wants and desires, this is a sad moment in your life. Because when you know what you want and are in pursuit of it that’s when you are happiest.

I feel like I have failed to show you who I truly am, what a great person I am inside. I refuse to live with this type of disappointment. I don’t know what it was that has held me back. But it has, and because of this I have failed.

But with some people it is certainly much harder. We are more afraid; we don’t open up. Is it then only a fault of our own or that of the other? Where is my Sushi when I need it? Where is my strength when I need it now? In concentrating on everyone else, I feel you have been left out. Although I may think it, all is not lost. It is never the case, I know myself pretty well now, and I will be able to find it again soon. This is what I wanted to write about. My greatest contribution: knowing myself and understanding what that means. What does that mean? It means you’re free. Free to live your life, being who you are and not succumbing to the pulls of society. Without this (self-knowledge) no matter what you do you will be pulled back into society, like the earth’s gravity pulling on satellites. It is so strong, that ‘what goes up must come down. We don’t want to come back down. We want don’t want to come back down, we want an alternative world, we want to run tangent. It will be our escaping velocity into the greater universe, the plurality of another world. This is self-knowledge, our ticket out of this wretched fucking world. But not only is a ticket for ourselves, it is a ticket/vessel for everyone else. So the question becomes how do we breach this higher consciousness. For me I feel it is first necessary to break down (deconstruct) our current conciousness, our current world/societal view. Asking key questions like: Where did it all come from? Why do we choose accept it? What are its epistemological roots? From this we start a dialogue or a discourse you will.

The path to the other is not easy, it is infact the most difficult. Along the way likely sacrifices will be made. I might even end up dying for it. But what life would I be living if I did not pursue my dreams. It would be a lie, would it not? And what is death next to living a lie. This lie I speak of can be known as capitalism. And within that lie are thousands and thousands of lies upon which it has been constructed. Let us pick an example, and if you have one in your own mind feel free to share it. INSERT LIE HERE. Once I get….., I will be happy.

HAPPINESS

That’s probably the biggest fucking lie in the world or at least how they tell you that you will achieve it. I will be happy once I get…. There are millions of ways to fill in that blank, married, a car, a good job, a house, a girlfriend, a coke, turn 21, graduate from school, a kid, re-decorate. THINGS THINGS THINGS, and most of these have become commoditized. And in economics they say a rational consumer will be able to judge how much happier they will be with a Lamborgini Diablo, than an apple. HOW THE FUCK can you compare? But more and more lies are flashed in front of our faces at the speed of …….(biggest # I can think of)

Where does happiness come from? It comes for the most part unexpectedly it comes form inside. The path to self-knowledge also brings with it happiness, ie. we know more about ourself, we know more what makes us happy. And in that we realize that its not that car or that toy or whatever we bought. It’s that conversation I had, that walk in the woods, that moment sitting on the couch after a hard day that makes us happy. So lets talk about work. What should that entail? Simple trading away our time for money in some job that we hate. For the hope that sometime in the future we will have enough time to really do all those things we want to do. Only to realize that when we get to that point we won’t even go do it. Or is it a wife and kid and having a nice house, in a nice neighborhood with a SUV, “living the American Dream.” Fuck American Dreams, that’s a Capitalist dream, and I HEART CAPITALISM. =P

“Okay so I believe you and all this is all apparent. Why hasn’t anybody done anything about it.” And there in lies another problem, the answers do not lie in a select few but rather in everyone. Because everyone is living in consent in this horrible fucking system, And really I do not blame you for it, or think of you negatively for it, there are a great number of good people in this world, you didn’t know. I don’t even believe that the people who created Capitalism knew how horrible it would be. Maybe they did, but if they didn’t it does not lessen my critique. It is time for it to go, and time for us to change. But for those of you who don’t believe me, that’s okay too. Formulate your own opinions on the world, and act on them. I’m sure that at some point some of what I have said here will ring true in your own mind too. But logistically speaking, opinion is no better/worse than yours, we should maintain our own dignity, or what is the point of living?

Opinion: Most of what I have told you is the result of personal experience. I haven’t simply read it in a book and regurgitated it here for you now. I have felt so much of it in my own life that it has rung as truth in my ears. Education and comprehension does not exist somewhere outside ourselves, as in a book, guru, or classroom. It is for us watching and listening to everything around us constantly in order to not simply understand but comprehend the world. This is a process of our whole lives, and once we stop to question, stop learning as most do when they are 30 or so, we are truly dead. We aren’t much more than robots carrying out pre-set orders marching about thoughtlessly day to day. And in this colony of robots, we forget our pasts, cultures fade away. And the Guardians of this world sit back and collect all the things that we have produced ourselves. They themselves think they are happy, enjoying this world they have destroyed. That is why when an uprising or riot takes place here or there, they use all their power to crush it. They are afraid of this new thought, they now thoughts are contagious. They’ve been very good at spreading the same thoughts to all of us. And they are afraid of that thought themselves, because if they believe in it they will finally be confronted with the horrible mess of a person they are. And at that point all that they have constructed will never be able to hold them up for the subsequent crash towards the ground, as the real hegemony of gravity takes hold. Their world will crumble. This is the world as it is, and how it will become more and more wretched and disgusting.

Join me now as I say “Ya Basta” and blast off towards a brand new colony. Join me in thinking freely and starting dialogues with others about an other world. Join me in complete rebellion so that we may one day see the Guardians of Hegemony crumble to the ground. THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME CAPITALISM.

_BRIAN

**Final Project Final PROJECT, I don't want to do my final project.

*** I finally ate my sushi, and it was awesome! But it had some cheese in it...

Bread, banana, and a coke

Oventic Day 7/8 8:30pm 6/17/07

What’s going on? Well today I discovered that “Waking Life” has a castellano language selection. So I showed Pedro, one of my promotores, the part with Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy -à Who was speaking of evolution? Was it Wallerstein?

Anyways I’m in a room writing his, and in front of me 2 promotores estan mirando este pelicula. Y afuera la luna y tres planetas estan en linea en el cielo. The moon and at least three planets are in line. It’s beautiful. In this moment I feel time has collapsed and I am seeing what I saw some years ago in Wrightsville Beach. Does time not exist for the stars and planets, or is it much much slower. Maybe there’s no difference. Why does it exist for us, as it does not exist in any other animal or any other thing? Does that then make us time, or are we the keepers of time? As it seems to me, we have created time. But when did we create it, and why? It must have existed before Capitalism and all of its demands that are largely based on time. And us complacently trading away time in some job (labour) for some reward money. So given time does not exist we really aren’t giving anything away…. But we are putting ourselves through uncomfortable activities so that we might store up money and such that we can buy back time in the future so that we can do what we want. But how will we then know what we want if our only real experience until this point has been a mechanical surrendering to various forces (or one force). Don’t we learn from experience? And if so this points to a process i.e. constantly experiencing and constantly learning. And from this we should have a better understanding of what we enjoy or love. This process isn’t a set amount of time, it varies, it’s a plurality variant on the person, we can’t predict its outcome. And why would we want to? Aren’t some of the most rewarding experiences surprises? It’s like you go on living your life, feeling generally contented, and then BOOM something unexpected happens, and you are filled with joy. Isn’t that where the beauty in relationships occur, when you first meet. You are a bit nervous and maybe a bit scared but you got to this point by trusting yourself. And then you trust yourself a bit more and amazing things can happen. This is what happened when I came to Chiapas, I knew I was doing the right thing because I had been trusting my feelings all the way here, but I really had no clue what I was getting myself into. THIS IS THE WHOLE KEY. The what part can be adapted to, but the how is the important part. When looking at what I am doing now I don’t know how this happened. But when I look at how it happened, I can fully understand what it is I’m doing now. The word how again points to the process, and this points to Zapatismo. In addition to what I was thinking the other night, and struggling with here in Oventic was the question “What is different here, what makes this community, an alternative world, an answer in a series of answers in creating a better world, simply what’s the difference from here and that of capitalismo. And with this it came to me that the question was how as well as how this place came to be, how I felt here. How differences are very subtle in what they are, physically, etc. It seems to make sense. But something is still troubling me even now. It could be my lack of will to fully accept my thoughts as they are or the fact that I have written so much here, when I still have homework hanging over my head. I’ll go with the latter. As I said to Arturo, “We can’t meditate (stay in the moment) all the time, because then we would starve. For now school is my bread and butter…..Or in tonite’s case bread, banana, and a coke.

pinche caballo

&

pink lasers